November 6, 2016

Sexual Cravings, Divorce-Rehab and Greiving a Past Life…

   So many of you have experienced a division of a family unit and grieved over the extreme loss after divorce or death.  So many of your kind, genuine, soft souls have been hardened by giving marriage or long term relationships every ounce of your existence and being left with nothing except pain, resentment and loneliness. The new frontier of co-parenting  your beautiful, innocent children is a new maze yet to be figured out. Epecially, with a person who you have very little trust or faith in.

   In all of this new and awkward territory, I have found my mentally, fragile self growing stronger than I’ve ever been before. I’m rediscovering my female independence and sexuality that has been repressed by every type of abuse for 17 years. My brain is slowly untangling the stringy, web of manipulation and cruelty I’ve endured for so long. 

    I have had a comforting, handmade quilt wrapped around me along this journey from my closest friends and family who truly love me just the way I am. I was frozen, unable to feel, numb to my existence. With the purest positivity and genuine kindness from those I love, I am able to not only make it through the forrest fire, but come out on the other side with fresh, new growth and a solid perspective on what my life should truly be.  I have always been there, as a rock to hang onto in a storm, for those I love deeply.  I took pride in that, as a soft place to land, to comfort friends and family in troubled times. Now, unexpectedly, I needed them! I had to be suffering, uncomfortable, vulnerable, helpless and hurting and rely on the strong arms of my loved ones and God himself to see me through to the other side. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned through this recent life change of divorce, grieving the loss of a family unit and putting myself in my very own divorce-rehab, is that I am LOVED!  Because of all the concern and support from my closest loved ones, I’ve been able to minimize my stress level and allow myself to be gently cared for (not the easiest thing for me)They alone have healed my pain with their understanding to the point I have no need to mask my suffering. I’m high on life! 

  I cannot express enough, the gratitude I feel! I feel gratitude to the point of tears streaming down my face at this very moment! I feel gratitude to God for taking my hand and helping me cut through the worn out,  leather barrier suffocating my existence. I’m so grateful to come out on the other side at peace with myself, my loved ones, my past and my future and most of all my children’s future.❤️ I’ve accepted that I am worthy of being happy, cherished, complete and in charge of my own destiny!

   This brings me to the menacing, overwhelming emotion of fear….fear of loving, fear of being burnt once again.The  past scars are slowly healing. Slight rejuvenation has begun…BUT, Can I actually trust and love again? Can I enjoy life once again on my own terms? Am I able to absorb every single moment for exactly what it is and be fulfilled in that solitary single second, not worrying about tomorrow, or next week, or next year…,

YES, YES, YES….I can!!!!! I WILL! I am choosing a direction of positivity!

Now, what do I do about my repressed, now resurfacing, sexual desires?  Do I have meaningless sexual encounters? Do I initiate shopping for a new lover online, exactly like I would a Christmas gift on Amazon. Do I get involved in church again and hope I meet a person who believes in God and is a social drinker? Should I go to work at Hooters? Should I sit in a corner alone in meditation and hope a wonderful person drops from the heavens into the silk pillow on my lap ?

It’s uncharted territory to say the least…

…Man Plans, God Laughs, so I’ve been warned by a good friend….

  As the Cheshire Cat from Alice In Wonderland would say,” Where are you going, Alice?”  

 “I don’t know”, replies Alice. 

“Then it doesn’t matter, Alice, If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there!” 

The adventure of the unknown is extraordinary to me!

   I am human, I am Holly, I am me and Im FREE!!!! For today that is all that I need to know….I’ll work out the kinks as I move forward along my path of newly, released sexual cravings, divorce, emotional-rehab and grieving a past life….

My most sincere thanks to my truest of true, blue loved ones, who without them, I probably would not be sane or alive and well today…April, Micah, Valerie, Jennifer H., Christina, Karen, Kim, Moncef, Jeffrey, Jennifer B., Clara, Lance, Most recently, Daniel J. M. And last but not least…..my momma (although you have no access to this because mommas  don’t need to know everything)  All my love and gratitude to you all!  Each and every one of you have helped me regain strength to go rescue that girl I used to be! Nothing will ever replace the kindness, support and LOVE you have given.
OUT OF THE ASHES!  Forrest fire -Regrowth-ultimate strength!

July 10, 2015

Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monsters, & Leadership Conferences Lead By Leaders

After reading this lovely explanation
About being our best selves and getting
Shot down by the judgmental “sheep” of the world It was a must to pass it along….follow The BIRD…
You’ll get a new perspective on things….

Everyone Has A Story... Again

The following is a post written by my daughter, Rebekkah. Recently, she attended a leadership conference in New Mexico, and was introduced to the hypocrisy that pervades so much of our society these days. Wait until she works in her first corporate office!! She ain’t seen nothing yet…..

Exceptional-ism Borne of Uniformity

Rebekkah M. 

“I’ve recently been reading the books of W. Somerset Maugham. They are wonderful. Their best qualities, in my opinion, are the striking and unusual characters. Full of contradictions, they are at once completely original and yet utterly commonplace. You might meet anyone of them in the line at a continental breakfast at some hotel or chasing their dog through a parking lot. But it is only through certain eyes that we can be made to recognize the beauty of such everyday people.

Screen-Shot-2014-08-31-at-11.24.33-AMMost recently, I’ve been reading The Moon and Sixpence. The narrator of the story…

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June 10, 2015

Dying Of Heart Disease Sucks!

The reason it’s hard to love the person you’ve dedicated your life to……….

A relationship does not disintegrate over night. It is a slow and painful process. It’s like heart disease. The plaque from a poor diet of the wrong things builds up slowly over time in the arteries. This causes permanent blockage of blood flow. Hence, this is where you may find yourself after years of dedication and commitment.

Over a period of many years, little by little, the inconsiderate, selfish and thoughtless actions of a partner have built up a thick and painful blockage to your heart. No, it didn’t happen all at once. With every damaging action the plaque continued to slowly narrow the blood vessels to your heart. Now, there is no blood flow, or hope, “per say” of complete recovery. The damage has been done. Any sort of surgery or intervention will only patch the problem temporarily. Blood will leak from the valves and get stuck, which makes the heart muscle very weak. The heart grasps at pumping the heavy load of blood cells to its’ most vital organs. Your mind and body may want to live, but your heart wants to give up because it is exhausted from the continuous inflicted pain. The pain wears you down, time after time. Just when you have hope of a full recovery you are reminded by another severe attack that your valves are weak, vulnerable and damaged beyond repair. How long will your heart provide blood flow and oxygen to your brain? Dying of heart disease SUCKS!

Dying Slowly

May 13, 2015

True Friendships vs. False Friendships

Thank you, “A Baker’s Diary” for providing us with an eloquently put summary of what a true friend is. Very inspirational to those of us who may need to “clean house.”

A Baker's Diary

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” ― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

The confirmations of true friendships are shown when you are having the worst moments in your life. People are always around when you are doing your best, even when you are faking your best, but it’s the real friends who care to pay attention, who feel what you feel at that moment, who take the time to step out of their own world to bring you comfort and support. Most of our relationships with people are false friendships, we tolerate each other’s existence for the sake of a false happiness, but there’s no true connection.
In the end we tend to gravitate away from these false friendships and towards our lifelong friends, the one or two…

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April 19, 2015

Together but Alone…..

How can a coupling of more than a decade seem so  solitary? How can a 15 year cohabitation seem so futile? The desolate landscape called a “long term relationship” knowing a peice to the puzzle is missing is complicated. Why do we accept less than the best for ourselves? I am afraid that I am too fragile and weak to face the journey to depart.  I am 100% sure that the puzzle piece exists but I am too frightened to leave the box to find it? What if more loneliness and disappointment await? What if I can’t survive the pain?

I give all of myself to my significant other to no avail. I give my heart, soul and mind to achieve harmony and fulfillment for us both. I give my entire being to the one I love with no appreciation or acknowledgemen in return. When do I give up??? When do I care about myself and my own well being? Selfishness is a carnivore that eats the soul of everyone around it. When it seems impossible,even when it feels like your insides are withering you must realize that there is something true, real and sublime for you In the future. Maybe now, maybe later. Keep the door of your heart open to the truest, enlightening, fulfilling love of your lifetime. Leave behind all the closed doors in the hallway and open the last door left at the end of the hallway. The  person behind this door will hold the answer to your longing, empty heart. Through this epiphany you will see the light of true love shining its’ defining luster upon your soul. Know without a doubt you deserve the meaningful, deep connection you receive. You are a wonderful, special, kind and loving person who the universe has blessed.

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February 19, 2015

Sending Sunshine Your Way!

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I hear the stories about the awful winter up north from family, friends and tourists every day. I moved to a warmer climate a long time ago because I love SUNSHINE and warmth. I couldn’t  handle the freezing temperatures, gray and drizzly, short days. It depressed me to no end. This is for all of you who are stuck in the house with cabin fever setting in. Even though that damn groundhog saw his shadow, winter will be over soon, the ice will thaw, flowers will bloom. Hang in there!  Here’s some sunshine coming your way……

February 12, 2015

It Is Your Choice…..

It is our choice and ours alone to decide who we spend the rest of our lives with. No one forced us to marry or commit to the person we chose.  If yours is anything like mine, there are days I could strangle my partner, days I would be relieved if they were out of my life and days I feel broken beyond repair from hurt. Oh, I’ve not been guiltless in these matters and I’m not perfect, but I do love with all of my being and show consistent behavior that proves it. Unless there is abuse, adultery or sustained addiction usually the problem has a solution. As much as I hate to face it, compromise has to be made for solutions to be obtained.

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